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"A Town Square Fair" transcript
Scene 1: Outside PS 118 School Mr. Simmons collecting permission slips from the other students. Mr. Simmons: “Isn’t this exciting, James? I never seen all of the students quite so excited about going on a field trip.” Mr. Jacobson: “It’s not a tour to the crayon factory, Robert, we’re going to the town square fair!” Stinky: “Oh, the town square fair, is there anything fair?” Harold: “If anybody needs me, look for me at the food court.” Arnold: “I’m playing all of the games and winning some prizes I can put my hands on, then I’m hitting the thrilled rides.” Eugene: “Well, I can’t wait to see Big Leroy IV.” Sid: “Big Leroy IV?” Eugene: “Big Leroy IV, the greatest pig in the entire world and he’s right here in our own town square fair.” Helga: “Crimeny, get out.” Arnold: “Yeah, Eugene, there’s gotta be more than 100 town square fairs and the world’s greatest pig just happened to pick our town square fair?” Eugene: “It’s true, Arnold, I saw it in the town square fair newsletter, town square fair television and in the schedule events that came with this beautiful town square carnival bracelet.” Rhonda: “Wow, Eugene, I didn’t know the town square fair was such a big deal to you.” Eugene: “Yeah, Rhonda, well, with my Dad moving around all the time, I never got a chance to go to any town square fair.” Gerald: “You never went to any town square fair?” Eugene: “No, Gerald, I thought about it plenty of times, the rides, the exhibits, the snack foods, they all seem like a dream and life to me, a dream and life that would never come true.” Sheena: “Gosh, Eugene, that’s so depressing.” Eugene: “But today, it’s all gonna change, I’m finally going to the town square fair with you guys, this is gonna be the greatest day of my entire life!” All 12 PS 118 students: “Yeah, alright!” Mr. Simmons: “Board the city bus in an orderly and harmonic fashion and please have your permission slips ready.” Harold: “The good old leaving school permission slips.” Arnold: “This is 1 permission slip I’m proud to have for safe keeping.” Eugene: Screen “Good grief.” Eugene: Fear “Good grief, good grief!” Helga: “Don’t tell me you forgot your permission slip, Eugene.” Eugene: “I had it this morning, Helga, I put it on my desk in my bedroom after breakfast, my dad must’ve taken it by mistake!” Gerald: “Maybe you can call your dad at the office and he can give it back to you, Eugene.” Eugene: “He’s not at the office, Gerald and my mom is looking at curtains.” Arnold: “Don’t worry about it, Eugene, Mr. Simmons will understand.” Mr. Simmons: “Thanks, Peapod Kid, watch your step, Iggy.” Arnold: “Mr. Simmons, we got a problem.” Phoebe: “Eugene forgot his permission slip.” Mr. Simmons: “Good grief, that’s a big problem, without a permission slip, Eugene, you can’t go, it’s against school policy.” Whimpers In Fear Arnold: “Listen, Mr. Simmons, going on this field trip really means a lot to Eugene, how ‘bout you reconsider with 23 cents?” Mr. Simmons: Sternly “Arnold……” Arnold: “Yes, Mr. Simmons, that was wrong.” Principal Wartz: “What’s this I here? Eugene’s staying behind?” Mr. Simmons: “I’m afraid so, Principal Wartz.” Principal Wartz: “No problem, Robert, I planned some fun activities for 2 of today’s stay behinds.” Eugene: “2 of us?” Wolfgang: Screen “Hey, Horrowitz.” Eugene: “Wolfgang? you’re staying behind too? Arnold, can’t you do something about it?” Arnold: “Eugene, I promise, somehow, some other way, we’ll get you to that town square fair.” Mr. Simmons: “Quickly, students, take your seats or we’ll all miss Chuckles the Rodeo Clown at the rodeo.” Arnold gets on the city bus and Eugene smiles at him. Principal Wartz: “Alright, you left behinds, it’s fun time.” Sighs Devastatingly Scene 2: The PS 118 school lunchroom Principal Wartz: “Activity 1, a fun thrilled game of ‘Historical Trivial Pursuit’, Eugene, you go 1st, roll the dice.” Groans In Disappointment Eugene rolls the dice. Principal Wartz: “12, move it, Eugene.” Eugene moves his blue piece 12 spaces.” Principal Wartz: “This man was elected the 16th president of the United States.” Eugene: “Thomas Jefferson?” Principal Wartz: “Abraham Lincoln, Eugene, haven’t you heard of Abraham Lincoln?” Eugene: “Is that my next question?” Principal Wartz: “Oh never mind, your turn, Wolfgang, roll the dice.” Wolfgang: “Thirsty…….” Principal Wartz: “You kids are always wanting refreshments.” Principal Wartz leaves to get them red cherry fruit punch. Eugene: “So, Wolfgang, I guess your dad forgot your permission slip too.” Wolfgang: “My old man doesn’t believe in town square fairs, he says they’re fixed.” Eugene: “Fixed? there’s nothing in the entire world more fun than a town square fair, they got homemade jams, blue ribbons and everything.” Wolfgang: “Except they don’t got you, do they, Small Fry?” Principal Wartz returns with the red cherry fruit punch. Principal Wartz: “Wolfgang’s right, Eugene, you’re not going anywhere, none of us is, so get over it and begin having fun.” The scene cuts to the entrance to the town square fair. 118 Students Cheering The 6th grade students got red cherry and blue raspberry snow cones. Grade Students Chuckling Albert and Jeffrey are at the dart target game. Peapod Kid throws 1 dart at 1 target. Iggy throws another dart at another target. Animal Sounds Grade Students Cheering Wildly Phoebe: “The pumpkin in the shape of a very large watermelon.” Harold: “It looks clean and sparkly.” Gerald: “Hey, Arnold, how come you’re not amazed by the super thrillin' watermelon shaped pumpkin?” Arnold: Depressingly “Reminds me too much of Eugene and how amazed he would’ve been.” Rhonda: “Look, Arnold, I know how you’re feeling, but we’re an awful long way from school.” Phoebe: “Yeah right, but it better not be difficult for us to help Eugene right now.” Arnold: “Well, I gotta try, I promise Eugene and somehow, I’m gonna get a hold of his dad, Mr. Horrowitz so he can give him back his permission slip.” Stinky: “Willikers, how are you gonna do that, Arnold?” Arnold: “I don’t know, Stinky, but I gotta work fast, there’s no telling what sort of torture Principal Wartz is putting Eugene through right now. The scene cuts back to the PS 118 school lunchroom. Scratches Dance Music Playing Principal Wartz: Ahoy, young sailor, can you do the dolphin dance? 1st you take your left flipper and you slap it on your pants, next you take your right flipper and you catch a little treat then you take your tail fin and you splash, splash, splash….. Goes Off Principal Wartz: “Wolfgang, maybe you didn’t hear me, it’s time to do the dolphin dance.” Wolfgang: “My old man doesn’t believe in dolphins.” Eugene: “Actually, Principal Wartz, I won’t mind not disco dancing either.” Principal Wartz: “Nonsense, Eugene, children love the dolphin dance, now cheer up and disco dance.” Scratches Again Dance Music Playing Again Principal Wartz: Ahoy, young sailor, can you do the dolphin dance? 1st you take your left flipper and you slap it on your pants, next you take your right….. The scene cuts back to the town square fair….. Mr. Horrowitz: Message “This is Nate Horrowitz, I’m not in my office right now, so please leave a message after the beep.” Sounds Arnold: “Well, it was worth a try.” Lila: “It’s verifying that Mr. Horrowitz can’t be reached by phone at his office might seem impossible.” Arnold: “Wait just 1 single minute.” Arnold: “Pigeons carry messages into the crime fighting field, I read about it in ‘The Adventures of Monkey Man’ comic book # 38, the time warp of Mr. Flame Head.” Sid: “But, Arnold….” Arnold: “Just 1 single minute, you guys.” Arnold: (writing the message) Mr. Horrowitz, Eugene forgot his permission slip. Arnold opens the dove’s cage and ties the message to the dove’s feet. Arnold: “There, that oughta do it.” Phoebe: “Yeah, but, Arnold…..” Arnold: “I know, Phoebe, it’s a crazy idea, but it just might work.” Chirping Phoebe: “Actually, Arnold, what I was trying to say that it wasn’t a pigeon, it was a dove.” Arnold: “A dove? what kind of person would leave a dove outta its cage?” The scene cuts back to the PS 118 school lunchroom…. Eugene is checking his red digital watch that says 12:58 Wolfgang: “It’s getting late, isn’t it? I told you those little friends of yours aren’t coming.” Eugene: “Sure they’re coming, at least I think they’re coming.” Wolfgang: “You were thinking about it a little too much, Horrowitz, I was thinking about going to the town square fair too, but it’s not gonna happen, so what’s the point?” Eugene: “You mean you actually wanna go to the town square fair if you really could?” Wolfgang: “Yeah, sure.” Wolfgang: “What the heck?!? hey, no fair!” Principal Wartz: Off Screen “Eugene!” Principal Wartz: “Will you quit yapping about the town square fair? it’s bad enough I don’t get to go without you reminding me.” Eugene: “Principal Wartz? are you saying you like the town square fair too?” Principal Wartz: “Of course I do, Eugene, everybody likes the town square fair, but I gave up on going a couple of years ago ‘cause every single year I’m staying here at PS 118 to watch over you 2 left behinds, but you don’t hear me complaining about it so get over it and finish your statue bust of Dino Spumoni, it’s fun.” Meanwhile back at the town square fair……. Lila: “Look, Arnold, it’s real nice that you’re trying to help Eugene.” Phoebe: “Your plans have been intelligent indeed.” Curly: “Yeah right, making a mile run for the interstate in that red bumper car was a real hit.” Helga: “Honestly, Football Head, those ideas of yours, wild plans are also completely impossible, face the facts, there’s nothing we can do about it.” Arnold: “Gee whiz, sorry, you guys, I wasn’t thinking quite clearly, here we are at the town square fair all because of me, nobody’s having any fun, you guys should go enjoy yourselves.” Harold: “What about you, Arnold?” Arnold: “Well, Harold, this morning, I promised Eugene that I get him to the town square fair and I won’t enjoy myself until I do so and I know just the dude who can help me.” The sign says ‘Jack Invents the Telegraph’ Arnold: “Wow, look at this, you guys, an antique telegraph, maybe we can use it to hook up with Mr. Horrowitz.” Gerald: “Oh come on, Arnold, I bet that thing hasn’t even been used over 100 years.” Arnold: “Come on, you guys, it’s Eugene we’re speaking about, we gotta do something about it.” Phoebe: “Arnold, to contact Mr. Horrowitz at his work business using a telegraph, you need to construct a radio amplifier up to the signals to a communication satellite and hope that somehow the message received the proper translation.” Meanwhile……. Phoebe: “Alright, I need some wires, lots of them and I need some aluminum foil and something with a crate.” Sid: “Oh boy, here we go again.” Arnold hands the wires over to Phoebe and Phoebe attaches all of them. Harold eats up a mushroom cheeseburger and gives the wrapper to Phoebe and Phoebe attaches it on the wires. Arnold gets the triple A batteries outta his Chuckles the Rodeo Clown flashlight, gives them to Phoebe and Phoebe puts them in the device. Phoebe: “Well, here goes nothing.” Beeping Meanwhile at Mr. Horrowitz’s work business…….. Mr. Horrowitz: “What’s that? Eugene forgot his permission slip?” Mr. Horrowitz goes back into his red sports car and drives around in it. Meanwhile back in the PS 118 school lunchroom Principal Wartz: (reading to Eugene and Wolfgang) Mrs. Johnson was truly perplexed, 1ce again, the split pea soup was missing from the cupboard, she suspected the innocent George Jacobson, but how could she be sure about it? so at bedtime, she declared to the entire orphanage.” Eugene: Shock “No way!” Wolfgang: Shock “What the heck?!?” Eugene: Angrily “I don’t care about what you say, my close friends said they would try to get me to the town square fair, so I gotta believe they’re trying, but if you don’t like that, well, too bad!” Principal Wartz: “Look, Eugene, I admire your hopefulness, but the fact is, it’s over, nobody’s coming for you, Wolfgang, me or anybody else, we’re the left behinds, boys and that’s all she wrote.” Principal Wartz sees Mr. Horrowitz and walks around outside. Principal Wartz: “Nate, what a surprise.” Eugene: “Dad, you finally made it!” Mr. Horrowitz: “I sure did, Eugene, here’s your permission slip.” Eugene: “Wow, Dad, thanks for returning my permission slip.” Mr. Horrowitz: “Anytime, Eugene.” Wolfgang realizes he forgot his permission slip. Mr. Horrowitz: “What’s going on, Eugene?” Eugene: “Dad, a close friend never leaves another person behind, right?” Eugene: “Come on, Wolfgang, let’s go see the town square fair.” Wolfgang: “My old man never gave me my permission slip.” Mr. Horrowitz: “Wolfgang, we’re gonna locate your father and he’ll give you your permission slip.” Wolfgang: “Alright!” Principal Wartz: “Wait 1 single minute, I’m coming to the town square fair too!” Scene 2: Back at the town square fair Mrs. Berman: “And that button here opens up a CD player.” Harold: “Whoa, awesome.” Wolfgang: “I gotta hand it to you, Small Fry, you were right along, that’s 1 big old pig.” Fade to a black screen……….. 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